Defeat Fear
by La Luna Negra
Summary: Analysis of EP.115. Rukia's thought & fear. Ichigo's fear. To never let happen again is what matters. Rated T to be safe.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Bleach. Not even this plot. There's no plot, to tell you the truth.

**A/N:** This is my analysis of that emotional scene in ep. 115. I doubt this is the first of its kind (It's already 192 ep.!) However, this scene touched and moved me to tears. So I was watching it again, and I had to write down Rukia's thoughts.

I hope you enjoy this regardless.

I might write an Orihime-based chapter, if you are interested.

Please tell me what you think.

"Are you afraid of defeat? Are you afraid that you can't protect your friends? Or are you afraid of the hollow inside you? If you are afraid of defeat, then get stronger. If you are afraid you can't protect your friends, then get stronger and swear you'll protect them! If you're afraid of the hollow inside you, then keep getting stronger until you can crush it! Even if you believe in no one else, stand tall and shout it! That's the kind of man I know you are!"

Rukia, episode 115

It's been three months since I last saw him. Sometimes, it's so difficult to distinguish what he is exactly. A teenager or an adult? A human or a Shinigami?

And now he's even more special . . . or cursed.

I expected that he wouldn't be normal when I finally see him. But I never expected this. I have seen this expression before; it was when he felt guilty for not being able to protect his mother. The night the Grand Fisher attacked us.

It's so difficult to remember he's only fifteen.

Nevertheless, I become angry. I ignore the voice telling me, quite matter-of-factly, that I'm angrier at Urahara for putting Ichigo through this. It was harder to ignore the voice telling me that this all started because of me.

How do I deal with my anger? I kick Ichigo. In the face. I don't hold back either . . . now that I think about it, I didn't even consider hitting him lightly, which I should have; after all, he was grievously injured.

"W-what the hell are you doing, Rukia?"

He almost sounded normal. Almost, but not quite.

_We barely started, be patient._

I watch Renji hold Ichigo in place. I almost smirk, and take the opportunity to slap him twice. I still don't hold back.

"You bitch!"

That's more like it.

Maybe I should be concerned that I actually prefer him insulting me. I scream something at him, not quite sure what, but going by his face, I think what I said was more shocking than insulting.

I force him out of the window. I know he could fight back, but he also knows that it would be useless. I'll be on his back (literally and figuratively) till he listens.

While I'm on his back, I almost felt like I was thrown back in time. Back to when I had to depend on him. I was lucky, really. He was strong and dependable, even if he wasn't the easiest to deal with. But difficult guys had never been a problem for me. I should be given more credit for being able to deal with Nii-sama and Renji.

I tell him to land. He does so without complaint.

"Oi, what's here?"

I'm always baffled whenever he asks this kind of question. Shouldn't there be a rule somewhere that you can't achieve Bankai unless you have acute sense of reiatsu?

"A Hollow?"

I suppress a sigh. "That's right. Go get him!" I snap, kicking him with relish.

As expected, he didn't see that coming, and fell straight on his head. I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about his reaction to the hollow. If he was normal, he would have sliced it within 30 seconds. I watch him as he dodged its attacks, almost clumsily. He doesn't touch his sword. He's afraid.

I know what the problem is. Ni-sama had told me about Ichigo's brief transformation during their fight, and that was before I left soul society. I don't know why he told me, but I'm glad he did.

It prepared me for the shock that I might lose someone important to me, and almost in the same way.

Las time, I was young, inexperienced, afraid . . . and did what I had to do, but it wasn't to save his pride, but to save my pathetic existence.

Kaien-dono.

I can't let this happen. Last time I was helpless . . . confused . . . but I'll be damned if I let this happen again.

I will not lose Ichigo to his hollow. He'll stand again. He'll crush it. I don't care how and when, but he will. I'll always push him, make him stand once more.

Otherwise, I'll never forgive myself for letting Kaien-dono down twice.

"I told you to be quiet." His broad back was to me, but I could hear the smirk in his voice. I smile, knowing that he wouldn't see that.

I'll never be quiet . . . he should know better.

A/N: God, it's been ages since I wrote anything.

Please review? ^.^

Love,

La Luna Negra


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